Have you ever had a super important task to complete, but the thought of completing said task is so overwhelming that you look for any possible distraction to keep you from doing the task, only for the deadline to hit and now you want to jump off a cliff? If not, pull up a chair; I’m about to teach you how to let procrastination absolutely destroy your mind, body, and spirit.

Procrastination and the thoughts of self-doubt that come from it are so fire. You’re like “Spend 30 minutes knocking out this simple task so I can float through the day like a clear-minded butterfly? Fuck that. I’d rather overthink the task at hand, ultimately creating fear-based traumas that prevent me from crossing life’s finish lines.” It’s why Words Never Said took me years to publish. I had the idea, I had the vision, but the execution? Nowhere to be found, until I ultimately realized that the pain of never getting off the bench far outweighs the pain of a bad game. 

If you’d prefer to ignore that truth, and instead, bask in the air of Imposter Syndrome, here’s a six step guide on how to procrastinate like a true professional.

Step 1: Identify a task that means the world to you

You have to identify your dreams and goals before you can bullshit about pursuing them. Sure, you can procrastinate about small things like hitting the grocery store or dropping off the pack of mushrooms that you promised a homie, but to really make the pain of stagnation hit, you should choose something that could completely change your world for the better. Ya know, something with money attached to it, like starting your own consulting business, launching that YouTube channel, or even updating your resume so you can find a much better job than the one that is currently sucking your soul dry. 

Step 2: Make a mountain out of a molehill

Once you identify that big important goal, it’s time to make the execution of it a much bigger deal than it actually is. The easiest way to do this is by using time as a scapegoat. Think about it like going to the gym. You can definitely find 30 minutes every day to get a sweat in, but you let the thought of the workouts you never do convince you that a quick lift would be a six hour affair between travel and exercise. Treat your dreams the same way. 

Tell yourself you don’t have the time (or resources) to start a business. Tell yourself that your responsibilities at work that make money right now far outweigh your commitment to a shot in the dark that you’ll do strictly out of passion. The more you delay the task, the bigger of an objective it becomes, and then you can *really* let the poisons of self-doubt creep into your head, ESPECIALLY if it’s a journey down a road that you’ve never taken.

Step 3: Feed the Imposter Syndrome

Imposter Syndrome is basically when you tell yourself you aren’t shit and won’t ever be shit, despite all the times that you’ve proven the opposite. It’s a huge issue for artists, and excellent fuel for anyone that’s trying to be a gold medalist in Olympic procrastination. The key of Imposter Syndrome is to reject yourself before life even has the chance. It helps you put yourself at the bottom of the barrel so that when it’s time to put up or shut up, you can very easily choose the latter. That’s that good shit right there, boy. Self-doubt damn near tastes as delicious as that new Cinnamon Toast Crunch popcorn that they got at 7-Eleven.

Step 4: Reach Dammit Time

Dammit Time is when you’ve bullshitted so long on getting shit done that you now have no more time to procrastinate, else the task simply will not get done. A wise man once told me “Ideas suck until you do something about them.” It’s simple, but it’s true, and Dammit Time is the moment you finally decide to do something about the ideas. Because if you don’t, you’ll have to shut the fuck up with all the “I wanna…I’m gonna…” statements you’ve been feeding the people who believe in you.

Step 5: Complete your task and realize how easy it was to do

The personal deadline of Dammit Time will trigger whatever Fight-Flight-Freeze survival instincts live inside of you. If you’re a fighter, chances are this is when you kick into laser focus mode on your task. So much so that you end up KILLING it, and realizing that the big ass deal you made about how long the task was going to take; how hard it was going to be; how you don’t know what you’re doing; and the panic paralysis that followed was just your mind playing tricks on you. You are actually an unstoppable force and if you remain in that truth, your whole life would change drastically. Once you own that truth, the final step of proper procrastination is choosing to ignore that truth.

Step 6: Learn nothing from your mistakes

Now that you’ve proven to yourself that you are built for war and no weapon formed against you shall prosper, learn absolutely nothing from the experience. Sure, this could be an excellent time to turn over a new leaf and move forward as the new-and-improved, get-shit-done version of yourself, but fuck that. Instead, bask in the glory of finally completing the first step of your journey for so long that you’re now procrastinating on taking the next steps towards your goals. Why? Because you know the six-step process for how to bullshit about time and effort to the best of your abilities.